In the sprawling, chaotic universe of Borderlands 4, where an estimated 30 billion guns await discovery, there’s also an abundance of shields, class mods, ordnance, and much more, pushing the total item count to an even more incomprehensible level. Amidst this vast arsenal, for some eccentric reason, a handful of items actually *talk*. During use, certain legendary gear pieces are notorious chatterboxes, a fact I discovered the hard way when I unknowingly equipped the Cindershelly shield.
While the Cindershelly isn’t the pinnacle of shields in the game, it’s the best I’ve managed to acquire for my Harlowe build in the endgame, as I continue my relentless farm for a new Super Soldier or Firewerks. Essentially, I’m tethered to it until a superior alternative drops. Unfortunately, this isn’t just any shield; it possesses the rather… *assertive* trait of being, for lack of a better term, horny.
Approximately every 30 seconds, the Cindershelly will unleash a moan, address you as a “worm,” or spout one of many more rather suggestive voice lines. Imagine exploring a perilous vault or engrossed in a crucial quest—perhaps while the Timekeeper is invading your friends’ brains and threatening you—only for your shield to randomly interject and put you firmly in your place.
The situation intensifies in combat, as these voice lines trigger with even greater frequency—upon taking damage or securing a kill. In particularly ‘blessed’ moments, you might even be subjected to two suggestive outbursts in rapid succession.
Here are just a few of the provocative voice lines I’ve been subjected to:
- “Touch that barrel and scream for me”
- “Did you let go without asking first?”
- “Don’t stop till I allow it”
- “Worship me”
- “Show me how close you can get, worm”
- “What an obedient worm you are”
Not only is the Cindershelly predictably disruptive and frankly annoying, but I’d also rather avoid the awkward glances and unspoken questions from those around me concerning my gaming choices.
A History of Disruptive Talking Gear in Borderlands
Funnily enough, this isn’t Borderlands’ first foray into chatty equipment. In fact, it’s not even the first time one has been incredibly suggestive. Having delved deep into the chaotic lore and mechanics of Pandora for years, I can attest to a rich history of disruptive gear. Here are a few of the most memorable examples (you’ve been warned):
- The Messy Breakup legendary shield in Borderlands 3 would scream, “Oh yeah! Keep murdering, I’m almost there!” in combat and “You always bust too early” when your shield broke. These lines are, arguably, even more egregious than the Cindershelly’s.
- Borderlands 2’s Hot Mama effervescent sniper offers lines like “Ready to go again, huh?” when reloading, “Like what you see?” when aiming, and “Ooh, no happy ending for them” upon securing a kill.
- Another Borderlands 2 classic is Moxxi’s Good Touch SMG, which vibrates—increasingly so the longer you fire it—and actually causes your controller to rumble in sync.
- The Bane, a cursed (literally) unique SMG in Borderlands 2, slows you to a crawl and screams so incessantly when firing that it genuinely lives up to its in-game lore, threatening to drive you mad if used for more than a few minutes.
Reflecting on Pandora’s peculiar arsenal, I realize the Cindershelly might, in some twisted way, even be an improvement over past offenders. Nevertheless, if I don’t soon secure a replacement for this overly affectionate shield, my only recourse will be to mute combat dialogue, sacrificing crucial quest lines for a modicum of peace. It seems the Cindershelly wasn’t exaggerating when it declared it wasn’t about my pleasure. For now, this is the peculiar, albeit annoying, price I must pay for power in Borderlands 4.